I've been trying to work up the energy to write this story. It's so emotional for me that i've found it hard to sit down and dedicate time to writing about it.
These are photos of the morning of January 27th, 2011. I had no idea when I took these photos that it would be our baby's birthday. The night before it had snowed several inches and I remember telling Ritch that I hope the baby didn't decide to come that night. The winter before we had two extreme blizzards so we had been joking for months that Ritch might be pulling me to the hospital on a sled. Except we don't own a sled. So in my mind it was on the trash can lid with a rope tied to the handle. Classy.
Duke's birth story is not the story I had envisioned for us. To be completely honest, it is the opposite of what I had hoped for. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I immersed myself in information on natural childbirth. I read books, watched movies, took a yoga birth class, found a midwife supportive of my decision, hired a doula, bought a special nightgown designated as my "birthing nightie", Ritch made me a special ipod "mama mix" that was about 17 hours long filled with songs that would help me through the experience. I wanted this for my baby and I wanted to experience childbirth for myself. My body was made to do this and I knew it would be the hardest thing I would ever do but I also knew that I wanted nothing more than to fully experience every second of my baby boy coming into this world. I always said that this was just "a plan" and I understand that plans change. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed that our plan had to change.
Pretty much from the time I could feel Duke's body inside my belly I could tell that he was sideways. I could feel his hard little head shoved right up under my right ribs and I could feel his kicks right in the nerves of my hips. Everybody kept telling me that he was still small and he had time to change positions. It must have been some sort of mother's intuition but I just knew that he wasn't going anywhere. Every day he would grow bigger and stronger, but he would stay in the exact same position. I became obsessed with trying to get him to move. I tried everything. Yoga, inversions, acupuncture, chiropractic, mantras (turn baby, TURN), even an external cephalic version (you can read the story of our experience here). After the version was unsuccessful (and scary) I had resigned myself to the outcome of a c-section. There was no possible way this boy was being born naturally. I did mourn this outcome. I was sad and defeated. I knew that this was the way our baby had to be born but it was still a loss to me. Our plan had to change. I understood it, but I didn't like it.
January 27th we had scheduled a routine check up and a growth ultrasound to check in on the little guy since he had been measuring small for most of my pregnancy. At this point I has only gained 17 pounds and was 38 weeks along. This was in addition to him being sideways with the cord around his neck, so we were keeping a close eye on him. The ultrasound was going fine until the tech left to check some measurements and came back and asked me if she could check some things a second time. Then a third time. Then a fourth time. When she came in with a perinatal specialist I knew something was wrong. They told us that they were worried about his growth and it looked like my placenta might be starting to break down. There was increased blood flow in his brain which is a sign of over compensation by the baby. Essentially he wasn't getting enough nutrients and his body was working harder in other ways to make up for it. He needed to be born, and he needed to be born today.
I had switched from my midwife to an OBGYN within the same practice a few weeks prior when I found out I would have to have a c-section. Thankfully he was working that day and we scheduled the c-section for 5pm.
We called our family, called our doula, and raced home to pack some last minute items and get the bags in the car. We were going to meet our baby. Today. I was scared and excited and in shock. It was here. The day we had been waiting for was finally here.
We took a few last minute photos of my belly right before we walked out the door to drive to the hospital.
Benny wanted in on the action. He knew it was his last day to be the baby of the family.
We arrived at the hospital and got checked into labor and delivery. We went straight to the recovery room, where we would stay for a couple of hours after the surgery. Thankfully my Doula Heather was able to come. I had to ask special permission for her to be in the operating room with us and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
(He kind of looks like a doctor)
The bottom line is that I was scared. I was REALLY scared. For some reason the idea of having surgery was much scarier to me than the pain of natural childbirth. Childbirth is something that women have been doing for all of eternity and I know that my body has the ability to make it happen. Surgery is just so scary and unnatural and the thought of having the bottom half of my body numb, my belly sliced open and my baby ripped out just didn't sound good to me at all. When the time came for this to actually happen I was terrified. Thankfully they allowed Heather to accompany us into the operating room. The operating room is pretty much the scariest place i've ever been. It's just how it looks on TV except it's FREEZING. It's extremely bright, extremely cold and extremely terrifying. As soon as we entered the room I lost it completely. I was crying and was inconsolable. This was not what I wanted. I wanted my baby to be born and be healthy but this was so far from what I had envisioned that I think this was my actual moment of mourning for the birth we had lost. Heather put her forehead to mine and talked to me. She told me to breathe. She kept reminding me that in a few minutes I would meet my baby and it would be the most amazing experience of my life. It would all be over soon. Just breathe and imagine you are somewhere else.
I did my best. Soon I felt the effects of the epidural working and I could no longer feel the lower half of my body. This made me cry harder. Once I was laying on the operating table and ready to go they had Ritch come in to be with me. I was so happy to see him. Heather took over with the camera and Ritch stayed by my head the whole time talking me through it. I kept having waves of nausea and dizziness and I could FEEL them yanking around trying to get the baby out. Apparently he was stuck up under my ribs and they had a hard time freeing his head. Ritch said my whole body was moving around they were pulling on him so hard. There was a lot of pressure and a lot of jostling around. Nothing about this was comfortable. Every second it was happening I was hoping it would be over.
Finally, we heard him cry. They lifted him over the curtain briefly and Ritch said to me with tears in his eyes, "Chel, did you see him??!! He's perfect! He's so cute! He's here!". I didn't see him. I had my eyes closed. I could hear him so I knew he was with us but it wasn't for a few more (extremely long minutes) that I was able to lay my eyes on our little boy.
You can tell by the bruise on his face that he didn't have the easiest entry into the world.
We had worked on a specific c-section birth plan which stated that Ritch would accompany the baby everywhere he went once he was born and essentially we didn't want him out of our sight the entire time we were in the hospital. He was the first to see, touch and hold Duke. We wanted him to know that we were there and he was not alone.
(Our teeny 5lb 10.4oz bundle)
This is the first moment I was able to get a good look at our baby
Finally, FINALLY I get to hold him. I had envisioned giving birth and having a squirming messy newborn placed immediately on my chest so it seemed like an absolute eternity. I had to wait until we were back in the recovery room to hold my baby. It was the most amazing and life changing moment of my existence. It's impossible to put into words the love I feel for this teeny human.
We were a family. Finally. I love this photo so much. I just exudes absolute joy through and through. We are three.
The rest of our hospital stay is somewhat of a blur to me and recovery from a c-section is no picnic. I won't go into the gory details but I will say that I will do everything in my power to avoid going through it again. It is painful and it is hard. Throw in your wild hormones, breastfeeding and learning to care for a new baby and I can honestly say it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. If we are lucky enough to have another baby I will absolutely find a doctor or midwife supportive of a vbac. I still want to experience natural birth. Not that Duke's birth wasn't "birth", because obviously it was, in it's own way. I will never regret how he entered this world and it will always be part of our story. It is his story. It's our story. It is the story of how we became a family.
All My Love,
Chelsea
aka, Duke's Mama
